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My Pregnancy Diary - Worries

Week 28 now, and I had been thinking a lot recently. Had bad backache + insomnia for the past few nights, even if I fall asleep, I will wake up to an horrible nightmare.

The bible said " Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.Philippians 4:6 (NIV)

However, once we face real situation, it's hard to stop worrying. I'm trying my best, learning to lean on God more, learning to not think negatively, learning to b positive... 

Being pregnant is not an easy thing - esp when it's not a planned pregnancy. Coping with the stress, juggling between work, staying alone most of the time, not having a proper support care most of the time, and the stress of listening to all sort of nonsense traditional old folk's advice makes me feel so tire of this pregnancy.

I never think so much during the first and second trimesters, as I don't really feel that I'm pregnant, given the fact that the bump is not so obvious. Ok, I admit this is because of all my effort to keep it as small as I could. However, I know I couldn't slow the progression and growth of the fetus. Time flies, fetus grow, the body size and weight will change eventually. 

Many thought that I had accepted the fact of pregnancy and will continue stay strong in this process. But I know very well, even when I step into 3rd trimester, I still wondering around the Denial stage , or prob in Bargaining stage which I wish I could start all over again - take the Postinor pill earlier, or calculate my menstrual cycle more accurately.
I try to categorize my worry in order to organize my thought well...

I know I shouldn't think this way, it's not good for my baby. We all know it very well, to have a happy and healthy baby, a pregnant mother need to have positive thinking and stay cheerful all the time. I know I know. It's not I don't want to do so, but it's difficult. I love my baby very much, I know I would do anything to take care and raise her up in future, but I just dono how to cope now.

Watch one TV reality show recently, and one of the celebrity give an important advice - if you are sad or unable to cope with stress, try writing journal. So here m I, trying to pour out all my feeling in my blog. 

I had tried to categorize my worry to organize my thought...

1. Progression of pregnancy - the ultimate weight GAIN problem

The bump is getting bigger by days n weeks n months. I need to try my best to control my weight and my body shape to not let this pregnancy ruin my body shape and weight. From the start of pregnancy, during the first follow up, once I know I gain ONE kg over one month, I was so shocked and depress ! Apparently, u can only gain 0.5 kg per month for the first five month of pregnancy. 

Getting know about the 1kg gain is a very depress news for me, and my anorexic mode being switch on since then. I told myself I cannot take so much of food, I need to exercise more than usual, I need to make sure I drink enough water to stay away from constipation. Yea, for one week, I took only Apple for dinner, sometime, I restrain myself from eating dinner because I'm so depress about my weight. I step on the weighing machine daily to check my own weight, sometime I'll hit myself for eating too much. I hate myself being such a gluten. I wish I could b as thin as during my wedding period. I hate being fat. Until now I cannot accept my own body weight still. I'm still trying hard to reduce it. 

Sometime I felt guilty for my baby, cause I know she needs nutrient, but I have no choice but restrain myself from eating. It's still a hard task for me, I cannot imagine myself looking in a mirror recently cause I will cry. I cannot accept the fact that my stomach is bigger than my husband's. I cannot accept when ppl told me "Wah, can see the bump edy". I cannot accept when those aunties ask me why can't see the bump and then try to advice me to eat more. And the most irritating part is when ppl start touching my stomach, I just feel like slapping these no-manners and low class ppl.

Having said that, I still eat alot, which makes me hate myself more. I keep reminding myself not to take heavy meals and eat just half portion of the food each time, however, sometime I just couldn't help but finish my food. Then after the meal, I will feel very very guilty and try my best to stop myself from eating the next meal. 

Last week, someone told me "wah, u really gain alot of weight now!".. I nearly gone crazy over this statement. I know the person who say this statement has no bad intention, but she dono that she is talking to an ex-anorexic patient, who is very very sensitive about the weight issue. Whatever it is, I know, the weight battle is still going on, so I will continue to watch out for my weight, thanks to that person who indirectly say I am very fat now. It's really a good reminder.

2. The delivery process - Where, When, How

As a government servant who works in hospital, I had been working in maternity ward, labour room, maternity OT and even maternity HDU before, therefore, I am not clueless about all these. However, when it comes to my own delivery, I had been wondering alot - when can i deliver? can i deliver before the due date? what will be my baby's birth weight? can the birth weight be smaller so it's easier for me to deliver the baby? can i deliver via spontaneous vaginal delivery? will i need to undergo cesarean session? who is going to deliver the baby for me? if i delivery via vaginal birth, will I need to undergone episiotomy? how big and how long will it takes for my episiotomy wound to cure? where should i deliver the baby? government hospital or private hospital? etc etc etc questionmark.

I guess no one except God know the answer. Even for now, I had my antenatal follow up at my own Klinik Kesihatan. Most of the scans done by my colleaugue. Some detail scan I did at O&G specialist clinic - Klinik Vincent and Liu in Ayer Keroh and Klinik Noor Shila at town center. My nurses at MCH clinic are awesome as they did give me valuable advice However, when come to the delivery process, I am very scare.

My EDD falls on mid October. But i know EDD is 40 weeks of gestation edy, I wish I don't need to wait until 40 weeks to deliver my baby. My prayer is that once my baby reach term (~37 weeks), I will go into active phase of labour and deliver the baby before 38 weeks of gestation. Ok, I know i sound so damn desperate to end this pregnancy, yea, I really hope so.

About the labour process, I know I will subject to VE - Vaginal Examination by either a nurse or a doctor, then if the cervical opening is more than 2cm plus the regular contraction, I'll be admitted to ward for latent phase of labour. Once the contraction become more frequent, and cervical opening more than 4cm, I'll be sent to labour room for active phase of labour. Then waiting for the one hour 1cm opening period. Put on Partogram and IV Oxytocin to fasten the labour progress. Oh, not to forgot the CTG monitoring and 4-hourly VE.

Then when cervix is fully effaced and cervical opening reach 10cm, the delivery process or 2nd phase of labour start. I wish my baby won't be more than 2.6kg so I can bear down more easily. This is the time I am most scare of, I really scare of the episiotomy and all those shouting and screaming and scolding by the labour room nurses. Once the baby is out, it's time for placenta delivery or 3rd phase of labour. Then uterine massage, then episiotomy wound repair and time for mother to rest and start breast feeding.

Thinking and imagining the whole process just makes me feel that I am so not prepared to be a mother...

3. The confinement period

Most of my cell group members are mother with few kids, they had experience the confinement period. Most of them hire a confinement lady, and one of them, who just gave birth to a cute baby boy in June, had chose to stay at confinement center for one month. All of them have different experience, but I guess, unless I experience it myself, I can't gain much from other's experience, cause everyone have different expectation.

My mother in law had been very nice to contact one of her friend and confirm the booking for me. Apparently she is an experience confinement lady. Although the cost is so damn high (actually till now I still believe that that confinement lady just cheated our money just because she is my mother in law's friend). And we also are force to pay RM 500 for deposit money. The cost for the confinement lady employment itself is RM 4800 plus RM 200 ang pao money, which makes it to RM 5000. Imagine this price in Seremban.... if it's in KL I still can accept, this type of pricing in Seremban is really sound like a cheating scheme.

Not only that, the RM 5000 had not include the cost for the ingredients for that so-called confinement food, the living cost for that confinement lady, those pampers and basic necessaries for the mother and baby etc. I still felt being cheated!! Should have contact that lady myself and don't leave these job to other people!!

Whatever it is, since that confinement lady charge so expensive, I am going to do more research on the confinement period and make sure I have a list of things-to-do or check list to make sure I won't be fool by this scheme.

The idea of staying in confinement center sound luxurious, most of the Chinese celebrities stay at confinement center postpartum. Initially I don't really buy the idea of staying at confinement center, however, after I visited the confinement center that my friend stayed, I started to wonder should I just forfeit that RM 500 deposit money and go stay at the confinement center instead.

4. Care for baby in future

This is the most headache part. Really, I cannot imagine myself working and taking care of the baby. Some people will say probably your mother or mother in law can help. But, yea, it's better don't depend on others. No one is responsible for your child. You give birth to a kid and you are the one responsible to take care. I still don't have in-depth imagination about this yet, cause guess it will worsen my nightmare...

Anyway, these are just all my thought. Probably I will be fine when the time comes. And I really need to hold tight to God's promise.

Till then.

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