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Anorexic Nervosa

Well,since my blog is still blocked, and i dono how to un-block it again, let me just type some of my feeling here.

This morning, i wake up n had breakfrast at home, and since it's CNY my house got many cookies, so i pick up some and start eating. After eating a few piece, i felt very guity, so i went to my sister's room and bring out the hularope and start hu-la-roping for 20 minutes. While i'm hu-la-roping, i start to feel very fat, so i shake aggressively with the hope to sweat more. So in the 20 minutes of hu-la-roping, 10 minutes is vigorously shaking. Well, i dont plan to stop after 20 minutes, if my body allow me to continue...............i stop because i start felt dizzy and discomfort at my abdomen n chest. So i ignore it and just thought some rest will do. But the discomfort getting worse and so i ended up passing up motion and vomiting in the toilet. It's a very very unpleasant experience, and let me tell u this is not the first episode of scenario happen to me. Repetitious-ly, unconscious-ly, reluctant-ly, i had this type of symptoms everytime i ate too much.

So, this is how bad Anorexic Nervosa do to me. I never thought i'll ended up as such. Of course when i first getting into a good shape, i enjoy the compliment by friends, relatives, and whoever that praise me. But the price to pay for being into this shape is huge, having a psychiatric disorder had put me into alot of embarassment, i edy know i had a very bad prognosis in the sense that i dono when i'm gonna go back to had a normal life and enjoy normal meal without throwing out foods, leaving a big bowl of mee behind after a meal, eating like a dysphagia person cause i took longer time to finish a meal than dysphagia patients, vomit out food after had a proper meal, few attempt to go back to try laxatives when i had proper meals for few days.

It's distressing, tiring, and unresolving for the past few months. I started out with pure slimming down plan when i'm in sem 4, for one year back then, i dont manage to reduce a single Kilo, while i'm in sem 6, i continue the plan but failed too until during my last posting in sem 6, someone told me, i'm as fat as usual, then another one told me my slimming down plan is not working as i had try for past one year but no improvement, some other ppl ask me had i ever thinking of doing anything to my weight..............

This is pure suffering for me. I used to look forward to become anorexic, but when i become as such, i dono how to stop. I want to be like a normal person to had normal meal and normal lifestyle without worry about the weights, but i just couldn't. I'll step up to the weighing scales when i saw that. I'll avoid looking into mirror when i felt that i'm fat (which hapen very frequently), i try to avoid being asked by ppl why i slim down so much, i avoid compliment by give them a silly smile and walk away, i try everything to avoid meals. It's a very stressful life.

Yeah, i had an insight on my disease, but i didnt do anything about it as i kept thinking i'm alright, i'm not sick, i'm not abnormal. I understand a late onset of anorexic with poor family support (as i'm living away from my parents most of the time, and i seldom go back hometown), my prognosis is very bad. Moreover, i had too many interpersonal relationship problem to be sorted out which i had been ignored all the while, thinking that i had solve it and i can get away with it by forgetting it.

Well, i'm not sure what to say about myself, i want to be a normal person, but at the other hand, i dont want to be a normal person. I dont want to become fat again, for me, everytime when i gain one or two kilos, the scene of that person telling me "edy 21 years old, still so fat, pls go do some exercise and do something about ur weight", and the phrase "fat big ass girl" will continously replay in my subconscious mind and then infiltrate to my sound mind to stop me from being normal.

I'm a Christian, somemore is a pastor's daughter that actively involve in church and being look up as a "role model God's servant" by my church members, but i just dono how to seek help from God. I know nothing is impossible in God, i know if i ask for it God will heal me. But behind my sound mind, i dont want to be healed. I want to continue as such because this the only way i can gain complement from ppl.

The sentence "Fat girl is ugly and Fat girl is stupid and Fat girl is useless" had appear in my notebook for countless time over the past one year, and my notebook for this year had started to be infiltrate with the same sentences again.

I seriously dono what i want and why i ended up as such. The chest+abdominal discomfort and all the symptoms of Intestinal Obstruction is definitely a bad one. I nearly been admitted to hospital for Intestinal Obstruction with poor oral intake and fissure or excoriation at anal canal due to excessive straining. I was on metronidazole for 5 days and was prescribed laxatives to ease my constipation. I had wasted 3 barium enema in the hospital that in the end doesn't work on me. I was being advised by a surgeon to stop taking laxative as my abdominal x-ray showed a very bad IO picture, my bowels are generally enlarge due to the obstruction, and the surgeon told me if i continue like that, my tenesmus will persist.

Not only did the anorexic nervosa brings me surgical problem, it brings me psychiatry problem as well. I still rememeber the Psychiatry MO in the ward ask me, "why are u look so depress, u know, u look abit like the MDD patient just now", she told me "i can't see any reason of u being depress, u r smart, u answers all my questions correctly, u r kind, u help the patient just now, u r pretty, fair n slim, and u can speak both english and chinese so fluently, what else will make u depress?", she then add "even from the way u told me i can see that ur boyfriend treat u very nicely, so why do u want to depress?", i almost cry on that moment. I don't know, i don't know, i dont want to be depress, i got nothing to be depress, but i just can't control myself to be depress. Why, because i hate myself. Everytime i look into the mirror, i saw the fat ugly girl that being make-fun-of by her classmate, i saw the girl that being verbally and physically abuse by her ownself and person that she trust, i saw the girl that being betrayed by her friends, i saw the nerdy girl that being labelled as nerd girl in school, i saw the girl that couldn't score the perfect result that she desired to in both SPM n STPM.

Alright, after typing so much, i still feel emo and depress. I dono why, i think i should stop here and go visit my grandma. I felt happy everytime i saw my grandma just because she is my grandma and i love her. She is the one that inspire me to chose medicine as my career path, she is the one that cook me nice food and told me that i'm a very good girl all the time. Ok, i hope i felt better later.

Till then.

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