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ok i dono what's wrong with me. read about emotions term, read about mood disorders, etc. antipsychotic drug antidepressant etc etc those thing made me more loss of interest in anything. Anhedonia, one of the negetive symptom of schizophrenia. I realize i had never been in euthymic mood for very long edy, my diurnal variation still there, mood swings had increase, not yet reach criteria of Rapid Cycling, my depressive mood not yet reach Melancholia, at least if there is some positive event i still can laugh. However, i just cant explain the mood swing in me, most of the time it ends with depressive mood, but it's not even reach the criteria of MDD. Ok, i dono what m i typing now oso, just felt abit depressed. I used to think this is something to do with menstrual cycle, the so call premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or more recently i'm adjusting my insight on the fact of having anorexic or bullemia. I dont purge anymore now, because i get enough scold after that 3 episodes of purging. but i still think i'm superly obese and not deserve to eat or if gain 1kg again i'll cry until as if i got periorbital edema. etc. ok dono why i'm typing this here, probably after 1 day reading about MDD n Bipolar, then present a Bipolar case this afternoon, then read about antidepressant. i think if i continue like this i'll probably meet the criteria for those depressive disorder NOS like minor depressive disorder etc.

so i decided to stop here and continue reading antipsychotic drugs. my lack of confident and panic symptoms during case presentation getting worse. i dono. there is more than enough doctors / consultants / professors give me counselling section edy, be it direct or indirect section, i still feel the same. my mum used to help few ppl get out from eating disorder, but her daughter ended up having the disorder. ok, at least i got good insight, i recognize this is a problem and i know i should see a psychiatrist and get some psychotherapy, probably CBT or IBT or whatever therapy that i highly predict it will have poor success rate on me. And i think i'm binging recently which i feel super guity of myself and i decided to do something about it. ok i'm not psycho. i dont have delusion, i dont see abnormal figures nor hearing abnormal voices, i just feel depressed most of the time but sometime i'm easily agitated. so i thought is due to low serotonin level and i decided to eat chocolate. but i dont think it helps. ok i should stop here, if i keep typing, my medical student friends will start giving me all sort of therapy and probably they will suggest the dr to prescibe me SSRI. T_T

ps-upon reading back what i write, i highly suspect i got flights of idea, loosening of association etc. ok probably i got hypomania episode symptoms, but since i got depressive symptoms so i think probably i will go into Bipolar II if i dont go see psychiatrist in near future..........i'm not kidding.but pls dont diagnose me. i'm being diagnosed by alot of medical personnel as having all sorts of disorder edy. probably one day borderline personality disorder or even malingering will come out as a diagnosis oso..........=_=

oh well, in conclusion, i still think i'm overweight. my obs professor say overweight ppl are abnormal ppl, which i think is superly true. ok. till then.

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